Donna

Donna (Chapter 1) **  Yesterday was my son’s birthday. It’s been 15 years since ‘it’ happened. I have learned to live each day as it comes. That’s the only way I can get by without crying and blaming myself. Sometimes it’s difficult to keep from thinking about the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’. If only I had went to David’s room earlier in the evening to check on him, I could have gotten him to the hospital sooner and maybe he would have been fine. Sometimes I think about other possibilities. What if I had not checked on him when I did? He might not have even lived through the [|fever]. Each day seems like a battle—struggling to be strong for David, to take care of him and believe that one day God is going to heal my son. I’ve seen others get healed. Why doesn’t God heal David? Is the reason why God has not healed David because of something I did wrong? I don’t know.
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I keep busy with taking care of David—trying to make his life as normal as possible. For David’s party yesterday afternoon I decorated the house with birthday banners, streamers, and balloons. Danielle even invited some of her friends to come over—not to spend time with her, but to spend time with David celebrating his birthday.

Danielle has been such a wonderful daughter and sister to David. I know that helping us take care of David puts limitations on her life. She has made more sacrifices than probably any other teenager would do. There have been times when the sacrifice she made was extremely difficult for her. We try our best to make it up to her when she has to give up something she wants for David.

Sometimes she gives up going some place with friends or participating in athletics to stay home with David while we are at work. She has hardly complained at all about how much time Dan and I have spent taking care of David, though when she was younger, she would question why we didn’t spend more time with her. There have been times where we were not able to go to Danielle’s church activities but she took it all in stride. She has been so understanding; more than I could ever expect a younger child to be. When I found out I was pregnant with Danielle, I was terrified. Don’t get me wrong, I love children and I love Danielle. It’s just that I was scared that I had done something wrong to cause David’s [|condition] after he was born. I didn’t want Danielle to suffer because of my mistakes.

The day I found out, I sat down at the kitchen table with Dan after David was asleep. We were just getting a handle on David’s condition. Here we were, going to have another baby and wondering if our new baby was going to have the same fate as our son. “Dan, I’m not sure how to say this so I’m just going to say it. I’m pregnant again.”

Dan’s face lit up with excitement as he said, “Are you sure? Have you seen a doctor? How far along are you?”

“I went to the doctor today. I’m two months along. Dan, I’m scared. What if //it// happens again?”

“It won’t. I’m sure what happened with David is just a fluke thing. David’s pediatrician never mentioned that his condition could be hereditary. Everything is going to be fine.”

“I hope so.”

“At the next appointment we’ll talk to the doctor just to be sure. Ok?”

“Ok.” Donna nodded.

Go to Danielle Chapter 1

Donna (Chapter 2) **  The handicap bus came to get David for school this morning. Like every day, I help the driver get his chair on the lift, then climb the three steps onto the bus—meeting David at the top where the lift stops to move his chair into a spot in the front of the bus, strapping his chair down so it doesn’t move. Dan and I don’t feel safe getting him a battery-operated chair because David can’t control his movements. One false move and he could send that chair flying. We just can’t take a chance with his safety.
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I imagine that he would rather stay home, but I have to send him to school. Even though David is handicapped, he has to go to school, it’s the law. Since I can’t work it into my schedule right now to home school David, I have to send him to the school for special-needs kids.

The special education teachers at the public school do not teach kids like David to my satisfaction so I send him to the private school for special needs children across town. It won’t be for much longer though. I am working on my second degree in education. I plan to get my degree in elementary education and teach special kids like David. I already have the special education license. Maybe someday I’ll even open up a school for special needs children if God calls me to do that. Of course, I couldn’t run a school on my own. I know of a few other ladies at our church that have teaching degrees. Maybe they would consider helping me. I know David would love to be at home with me. I see it in his eyes every time the special bus comes to pick him up. Sometimes I think I see fear in his eyes. I worry that the days he comes home with bruises are because of abuse and not just ‘accidents’ as the school supposedly reports.

Go to David Chapter 3


 * Donna (Chapter 3) **

Every time David has a bad day, I just want to fall on my face and cry. It is so hard to see him struggle through life. Not any control over his speech or anything else. He is totally dependent on others to help him do the day-to-day things like eating, bathing, and going to the bathroom. If I didn’t have faith that God will see us through, I don’t know where I’d be. Life has been so hard; I might have given up—not too many people could handle caring for a handicapped child.

David had an episode yesterday when Dan and I took David with us to the store. Kids were being mean to him and David was completely helpless. I know David was in one of his moods after that because it was almost like pulling teeth to get him to eat. After dinner and David was asleep, I sat in my chair in the living room and cried for David. “God, why does David have to continue going through this? How much is David going to have to endure? How much am I going to have to endure? I feel like I can’t take much more of these days. I feel like I am almost to my breaking point.” I opened my Bible and began to read and I was reminded of what Pastor says about how God takes the bad and turns it around and gets good out of it. I felt myself beginning to calm down enough to rest. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Go to David Chapter 5

 The sermon at church yesterday really caused me to think about my life. It caused me to think about my ‘poor me’ attitude I sometimes allow myself to have. As part of my daily routine, I opened my Bible to read my daily devotional before going to bed last night. I realized that I need to stop trying to rely on myself; trying to carry the burden of David’s situation in my own strength. I spend too much time playing the ‘what if’ game in my mind. I realized that there is no way I can change what happened. However, I can go on with the present and the future. I can trust in God to help me and my family to live each day to the fullest and make each moment count for something. No one can pull themselves up by their own boot straps as Pastor says. I don’t have to rely on our own strength; God has everything under control. I realized that God doesn’t put on me more than what He knows I can handle, though, at the time, I may think that I can’t handle it. David’s situation is causing my faith to stretch and to grow. I have decided that to blame myself for what happened to David is not what God would want me to do. Each day will still be difficult, but I need to fully rely on God for strength to make it through. I know that God has a plan for our lives. I can trust in God that He will work everything out for good and that somehow our situation will encourage other families in their difficult situation that they can have faith and hope that everything will work out somehow. Our suffering is not in vain.
 * Donna (Chapter 4) **

Go to David Chapter 7